Lessons from Western Friends in Hanoi

Stop Five, Hanoi 25/04/2015 to 31/05/2015
(Written by Her)

Two weeks ago today, we made our first Western Friends in Hanoi. Cheers are in order believe me!

It took a lot longer than expected if we’re honest. We had this preconceived idea that Westerners, who meet in foreign countries, would be much more friendly and welcoming than your average person. In reality, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Our first weeks in Vietnam we always said ‘Hello’ to foreigners who we passed in the street or in our hotel. I mean - come on, we know you’re foreign, you know I’m foreign, we’re far from home, let’s get on! At least 70% of the time our friendly ‘hellos’ were (are) met with silence. To our surprise, we found that most Westerners, with the exception of a few German couples, don’t want to know us. 

Over time we have begun to deduce why we may have been so unlucky with our encounters. Surely we don’t smell, at least not any worse than they do!!! Our problem is that there are 3 stereotypical types of travellers that we have met in Vietnam, none of which we would align ourselves with. Let me explain: 

Traveller 1: Well-to-do Ted

Ted is aged anywhere from 35 to 65. He is usually Australian, (no offence) and is in Vietnam on a very nice luxury 2 week holiday. You see, Ted’s money goes much further in Vietnam than it would in Oz so he is spending like it's going out of style. Ted is staying in a 5* hotel, eats in overpriced restaurants and is accompanied by a guide everywhere but the shower! Ted’s guide opens doors for him, buys attraction tickets for him, even fans him when he’s too warm! From what I've seen, Ted's an ass (again, no offence). We have NOTHING in common with Ted. 

© A. Brennan

© A. Brennan

Traveller 2: Party-girl Jen

There are quite a few Jen’s in Hanoi. Travelling presumably on Mum and Dad’s dime, Jen is usually between 19 and 22 years old. She is excited by the cheap beer, particularly buy 1 get 1 free happy hour. Her hotel is decent and in the centre of all the hustle and bustle, which doesn’t seem to prevent her from sleeping until 3pm each day. Jen is only getting going at 10pm after a few cocktails. Sometimes, the remnants of the night before are visible on poor Jen's body: bruised legs, scratched knees, even broken bones! Temples are not really her thing, I’m not entirely sure she would be allowed in wearing those hot pants anyway! We have NOTHING in common with Jen!

Traveller 3: Hippy Sally

Sally is usually between 20 and 30. She has been travelling for years, to be honest, she can’t remember what it was like before she was a wanderer. Her entire outfit has been purchased in markets somewhere in the developing world. She has tattoos, a piercing or 2, usually some lightening (sun-in style) wavy hair. We mistakenly thought that we may find a home with Sally. Maybe have some interesting conversations about travel, culture, food! Not quite, you see Sally is not what she appears. While Sally has travelled extensively and looks as though she was born from the earth, rising from the dust with no money or direction. The truth is, Sally actually spends a pretty penny, but is less likely to wash than young Jen. Sally stays in pretty nice Hotels, takes taxis, drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney and can usually be found grazing away from food stand to food stand not far from her room. In short, Sally talks a lot of S**t. (maybe we have something in common with Sally after all? Just kidding!)

© A. Brennan

When visiting local temples, museums or pagodas, the only traveller we ever meet is Ted. We were on a bus full of Ted’s when visiting the Cu Chi tunnels. After all, Jen and Sally don’t enter the day until after 3, at which point our day is almost over. At least Ted is soaking up the scenery and getting a nice few snaps of the wife, even if his face looks mildly disinterested! Either way, you can understand why we have found it difficult to bond with any other Western travellers.  

Our Hanoi story has a happy ending however, not only did we meet fabulous Vietnamese people, we also made our first Western friends (three cheers). Tim and Kate, both in their late 30s, were former BBC journalists who lived and worked in Belfast & London for years. They had quit their jobs, decided not to have children, and headed off on what they call a ‘slow travel’ adventure. Tim & Kate were a breath of fresh air (which, funnily enough, is what they called us!). They had travelled for 2 years all over Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, Camodia, Laos, China and now were finishing with Vietnam. Like us, they had begun in Saigon and headed up the country to Hanoi. They were now staying in our hotel for their last week in Asia before moving back to London. We were lucky to catch them!

We had met several times in the elevator. Tim is a gregarious guy with a distinctive laugh, while Kate is much more subdued, definitely the more sensible of the two. We upped the ante by having breakfast with them, after which they invited us for drinks in a local rooftop bar they liked. We sat for hours listening to their tips about Angkor Wat, Malaysian food and Cambodian children. They have had a fascinating, privileged, yet quite challenging 2 years. They have picked up odd jobs along the way, with Kate currently editing PhD theses and Tim organising conferences. They understood my work frustrations (in fact I had to pop back to the hotel to do two interviews in the middle of our night out). They were the first people we met that were travelling to the same places, at the same standard, without the help of guides. They too had spent all their savings on this trip of a lifetime and they have felt the same personal frustrations. It was a delight to talk with them.

 They reassured us that we have done the right things, such as changing our itinerary to take 1 hour flights instead of 13hr train rides. You see, there is an attitude which exists that suggests unless you do something the hard way, then it’s like you are not doing it at all. Of course that is bulls**t but sometimes it’s hard to shake off.  Anyone who knows us, knows that we have always done things the longest and hardest way possible and maybe it’s time to take a friggin’ break!

The most memorable thing Kate said to me was, ‘be kind to yourselves’. At the time, this is exactly what I needed to hear from someone who understood. You see, up to this point we had done a fair deal of beating ourselves up. We were both disappointed in our progress in Hanoi. Cian was finding the language learning more difficult than he usually does. Vietnamese has got six tones and all sounds the same to me but he wouldn’t accept defeat. He was clearly getting frustrated with his ability, spending hours studying without satisfaction. I on the other hand was frustrated for completely different reasons. Very effected by the heat and some frequent tummy upset I had begun to get complacent about sightseeing, learning and food tasting in Hanoi, putting things off for another day. Then later, feeling guilty because here we are, in an amazing city, doing what we have always wanted to do, and we’re too tired or too hot! Really? Not good enough.

But Kate is right. It’s only when you travel without guided tours, without endless bags of money, to countries that suffer from poverty and extreme weather conditions that you realise, you’re not infallible. You will be tired, hungry, sick. Not everything is possible, you have to listen to yourself and adjust your expectations. This is hard for me because I routinely push myself to the limit (sometimes beyond) and expect the same from those around me. My attitude has always been 'if I can do it, then I should do it', which is not always true. Just because I can work three jobs, doesn't mean it is good for me, right Denis?. So I guess I learned something important from Tim and Kate; sometimes you need to sleep in, sometimes you need to sit in an air-conditioned café and eat pizza. Sometimes you need to take a taxi. 

‘Be kind to yourself’, it’s okay, you won't regret it.